shut up and read

2011-02-05T12:20:00.002+08:00

Alot to think about..

there really is too much..

work is still the same but the major audit is over. we did really well !! great job guys !!

i might be moving soon, that's a big worry. smaller room, living with my auntie, ulu location. oh man.. where am i going to put all my things !! and my room finally become how i wanted it to be..

love life ?? non-existent.. Vday is coming. so what is everyone doing ?? i did something stupid.

i am short on cash.. :( need to earn and make more money !!!

friends ?? i guess we all need a break from each other once in a while.. tho i do miss them.

work hard and strive on !!

2011-01-15T19:34:00.002+08:00

Fine again..

well, its been afew days..
better now :)

i reflected..
i feel that for the last year, i was operating on autopilot. without my emotions. that night.. the box, that i hid my emotions in, broke and i was flooded. the waters have subsided and my brain is at a calm again. i can think more properly now. i can feel the past coming back. i will be back soon.

well, when i msged her. i took a chance. i was turned down. as i told jean, no amount of love can bring back someone who doesnt want to come back. well, i guess that was it.. i give up on my dream and time to grow up and be realistic again. part of me is really disappointed but i guess god does hate me.

focus.. there are goals to be achieved. time to be SLOW not shi long. emotions are good but i have responsiblities to take care of now. atonement started a long time ago but i got to work harder now. i leave everything to fate..

2011-01-11T23:56:00.002+08:00

STUPID STUPID STUPID !!

i know i miss her and i still went to read her blog.
stupid move..
but it explains the dreams..
why do i love all her bad traits like they were her best ??
someone slap me..
or kill me..
this is too much to handle !!!

2011-01-11T23:32:00.002+08:00

A long time...

its been a month. i have avoided coming back here cos.. well.. you know..

argh.. confusion stirs my thoughts. i wana be the best again. i am under alot of pressure and i guess i got to soak it up. work hard !!!

i feel very lost.. i used to work so hard for someone. thus no matter how hard i had to fight for something or how much hours i had to put in, it was worth it. just to see her smile. there was always a future in the distance.

now ?? i dun even know why i am still trying.. for myself ?? for my goals ?? i guess.. but whats after that ?? its days like this i miss your hugs and smiles..

but i guess its not meant to be..
smile because it happened that's what i tell myself.
enough tears had been shed..

2011-01-11T23:29:00.002+08:00

That day draws near..

god..
these dreams wont let me go..

why..
need i be tormented by these false hopes

is..
there really a future ??

she..
is doing well i hope..

not..
going to be the same on that day..

here..
i wished it was real.

2010-12-16T22:41:00.002+08:00

Attachments..

i never ran away from my problems cos i never had a problems without a physical form..

why...
since when did i let so many things into my world ??
why
when you came into my world, you bought so many things but when you left, i am left to deal with all these ??

my world just used to be me and my other half. nothing else used to matter

friends..
enemies...
they were all just passing shadows..

why is it that i want to run away to a place that has no trace of you ??

why is it i cant hate you ??
when i know i have to..
why is it i cant stop loving you ??
when i know i shouldnt..

2010-10-17T21:37:00.003+08:00

Birthday leader board

16 oct
Siti Hajar @ 0530
Dommick Chan @ 0855
Dorcas Tan @ 0859
Janson Lee @ 0905
Natalie Chua @ 0932
Siddharth @ 0933
Amanda Ho @ 0942
Cristal lee @ 0954
Kurt kishan @1134
Eileen tan @1226
Ow Shi Kun @ 1255
Connie ho @ 1355
Ten Zhi Yong @ 1416
Chia Chen Ying @ 1431
Kenny @ 1530
Melody kuan @ 1537
Jian Hao @ 1544
Sis @1552
Rhin Tok @ 1628
Shane Tan @ 1630
Ming Yong @ 1646
Oliver @ 1647
Tay Hui Ze @ 1721
Gilbert Wong @1735
Tan Thiam Wei, Pat Tai, Fanni, Eli Peh @ 1900
Eugene Giam @ 1953
Aaron Tay @ 2006
Sim JJ @ 2038
Grace Lee @ 2039
Ming Hao @ 2124
lee chen ning @ 2235
Koh Li Juan @ 2346

17th oct
Gloria koo @ 0040
Whitney Ng @ 1659

2010-10-17T20:52:00.003+08:00

Content..

People often say that they want to be contented or that they should be contented with what they have

i believe that the answer lies in the way you seek satisfaction. Everyone seeks satisfaction in some way, some work for off, some work for promotion, others for money or other reasons.

For example, you say you want to be contented with, lets say, your relationship. then what is it that you gain your satisfaction from ?? is it that you possess them ?? is it that there is happiness when they buy you things ?? Is it that you have someone to bring you out ?? or is it that they are there in your heart to share your life no matter what happens ??

A monk can gain satisfaction through mediation cos he believes that he has make a connection to his soul and cleansed it. People go to church and pray, they feel satisfied cos they believe that they had made a connection to god.

think about it..
what do you gain satisfaction from ??
is it really the right way ??

2010-10-12T00:42:00.002+08:00

A night of many thoughts

i thought about alot of things tonight

my duty clerk made me think with all his qns

i cant fall in love with anyone, not anymore..

if i am to leave this land for good then it will be unfair to ask her to leave it with me.

and even more unfair for her to have to wait for me.

not like i have anyone to love or that anyone would love me

love doesnt exist anymore..

but guilt still does

and misery...

2010-10-12T00:39:00.002+08:00

Time to cut some connections..

i feel that i cant have any link to her anymore..

i think i am going to make a very big change.

i am going to have to cut all connections to anyone that have to do with her.

i am going to have to lose all those people..

2010-10-12T00:37:00.002+08:00

Aiming to for the sky and beyond..

i found some inspiration.

i want to the best again.

i will work damm hard.

to be the best.

to push myself.

to break my limits.

cos they need to know what they lost..

2010-10-04T21:45:00.002+08:00

Plato (Greek mythology)

According to him, at the beginning of all creation, men and women are not as they are not, there was just one being who was rather short, with a body and a neck, but his head had 2 faces, looking in different directions. it was as if two creatures had been glued back to back,with two sets of sex organs, four legs and four arms.

The Greek gods, however, were jealous, because this creature, with four arms could work harder; with its 2 faces, it was always vigilant and could not be taken by surprise; and its four legs meant that it could stand or walk for long periods at a time without tiring. Even more dangerous was the fact that the creature had two different set of sex organs and so needed no one else in order to continue reproducing.

Zeus, the supreme lord of Olympus, said: "I have a plan to make these mortals lose some of their strength."

And he cut the creature in two with a lightning bolt . thus creating man and women. this greatly increased the population of the world, and, at the same time, disoriented and weakened its inhabitants, because now their had to search for their lost half and embrace it and, in that embrace, regain their former strength, their ability to avoid betrayal and stamina to walk for long periods of time and to withstand hard work. this embrace which the two bodies re-fuse to become one again is what we call "sex"

2010-10-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

I loved you

hey, its been a while but i kinda just wana get this off my chest cos of these dreams i have been having..

i loved you when you had braces
i loved you when you put on weight
i loved you when you threw tantrums
i loved you when you were crying
i loved you when you were in secure
i loved you when you slapped me
i loved you when you were sick
i loved you when you went out clubbing
i loved you when you thought your family didnt
i loved you when you had pms
i loved you though the world was against it

but when you got better, you left me cos i guess i just wasnt good enough and a very bad bf. i heard he is treating you well now. thats great :) i mean it. i wish you well

2010-09-11T12:01:00.003+08:00

Hey you..

do you know that you are so beautiful that after i look at you, i dun want to see anything else..

do you know that you are so amazing that i know you should be in a museum cos you're a work of art

do you know that you shine so brightly that the stars seem like they are shining in your eyes

do you know i truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to.

do you know that no matter what people do or say, you should let it go cos you deserve better

do you know how much i am willing to change just so that you will stay the same ??

do you know that i still love you as much as the first day we met ?

to a love that i cannot have in my life..
if you wana know why i still love you so much.
its cos you change my whole life.
i was going to ask for your hand but it seems like its not meant to be.
you give me a light in my life that i never had.
i swore that i would protect you with my life on that day and i mean to keep that oath
though everyone is telling me to move on but i...
nvm..

thank you..
take good care of yourself.

2010-08-31T20:02:00.002+08:00

in the darkest times..

you realize that you are really jsut all alone.

super sick today, even had to go to the hospital but..

i didnt stop thinking about you.

stupid huh ??

ya i know...

thinking about how are your exams, how are you and him..

still praying for your happiness and well being..

i hope you are well..

i am sure what you need is just a hug and a kiss on your forehead.

2010-08-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

the truest things come out when you dun know what you are saying..

2010-08-23T20:12:00.004+08:00

pain makes me feel alive

you know..

i am really stupid..

i know that i will never end up with you.

but i want you to be happy, every cell in my body wants that.

just like the first time i met you.

but ya i know, i wont get a chance to be by your side again.

god.. save my soul

2010-08-22T07:51:00.002+08:00

this pain tells me i am alive..

i like this pain..

i will keep it in my chest..

till it consumes me again..

i thought about it recently, i have been too much for too long. i just its the result of trying to be a jack of all trades. i just got to concentrate on being me, i guess. got to be selfish.

i reflected while taking a walk yesterday. the thing that i am lacking now is that i am not driven. i lack that motivation, that goal.. that purpose.. and i think that i might have found it back so now its time to work towards that goal.

2010-08-21T09:29:00.003+08:00

lips sealed shut..

there are a lot of things that i haven"t posted up

there are a lot of things i cant say

there are a lot of things i heard last night that made my chest hurt like hell

there are a lot of things i want to do for you that i cant

sometimes i just want to scream out and tell you that all i ever wanted was you back in my life but i cant.

sometimes all i want to tell you is that the only reason i carry on is cos you are happy with all this.

sometimes all i want to do is to hug you and kiss you on your forehead like old times..

but i cant...

god i know i will never get over you..

god i still love you like the first day we met

some people have everything i dreamed for and they take it for granted. everything i fought so hard for, everything i changed my plans and myself for.. and she let me go. now this guy doesn't care to appreciate her ?? he seriously doesn't know what he's got. everything i want to protect and hold is her. and he jsut lets it go just like that. i pray that she will find happiness. i am willing to give up mine for her's so just take whatever i am done.

karma works in very funny ways. the roles have switched again. never thought there will be a day where she would be the one staying home waiting for a clubber :( god i pray for faith and happiness for her.

2010-08-02T18:52:00.001+08:00

closer and closer..

its this time last year, i relied on you the most.

i am trying very to move on but its very very close to that day.

the dreams dun let me sleep and the thought haunt me when i am awake.

god.. help me.

2010-07-26T22:15:00.002+08:00

TIE MY HANDS AND COVER MY MOUTH AS YOU KILL MY HEART..

nice :)) i would like that.

auto pilot again..

too many things to think about

uni ?? 2011 or 2012 ?? SIM, Kaplan or Monash ?

i made too many plans around her, with her gone, i need to replan everything, restart my life.

i dun know how but i guess i got to try. my life is the stakes, my next steps are the gamble. pray i will make the right choice

friends ?? no need, i will get myself out of this mess that i got myself into. they arent of any use anyway. i am stronger than this, better, more efficient. better management, more....

i got to work this out cos i need to take a step forward. and i need to save alot alot alot of money

2010-07-24T22:26:00.003+08:00

SOMETIMES I WONDER..

things are never easy huh ??

my promotion has helped me in more ways than i know. its boasted my confidence, changed my job scope, changed my duties.. but.. there's always a but, it means more responsibilities. taking care of my men.. etc.

pat you know, i really want to go back to who i was but i will never be the same. i.. am too scared to do what i need to. i really... nvm i know i should move on.

siti, i really think that i dun mind dying alone. whats so wrong with that ? i am trying my best but it know myself the best.

i will keep wearing this mask, i will be strong..

i am really lucky that noone reads this blog anymore.

2010-07-19T20:46:00.003+08:00

A rough patch..

its coming close to a special date. so i am thinking more.. its hard and it hurts sometimes but wounds reopen sometimes, i pray that you are doing well.

i.. will need a while. there are things i like but some other things stop me from them. i need to focus, i will be a Sergent soon.

you know.. i always prayed to god when she was upset, i would pray for god to take my happiness and give it to her. give her my life so as to protect her from harm. well, its payment time i guess.

at the chalet, i remembered what happened a little more than a year ago, last may.. i remember what happened..

but now.. there is nothing, and i got to live with that, i know.. all this pain, all this suffering.. just means that i have loved before..

2010-06-23T21:39:00.003+08:00

my wallpaper..

i found this wallpaper the other day and its been my ipod wallpaper ever since.

its writes :

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

i pray that it is true..

2010-06-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

That Indian couple..

this indian couple reminded me of how i felt love should be. they both look quite old. the lady went to the bus stop to wait for her husband though at was already 1130 pm. then after they met up, they took a stroll over to the convience store and bought a drink and walked home together. talking and seemingly happy.

how do you manage that kind of love for so many years ?? i am still looking for someone i can create that kind of special feelings with. feel a love so special..

went out with Fanni just now and she said i would probably make a good husband but i told her i am not a good single guy and probably not a good boyfriend. so how can i skip everything and jsut jump straight to the end ? if the means isn't good, then the ends wont be either, right ??

i guess i just got to keep at it. there is someone right for me out there.

i dun know, it might just be you..

2010-06-20T16:03:00.002+08:00

A random stranger

well, he got me.

strike one, the random stranger at the bus stop. never intended to take a bus, never intended to get off at that stop but i did.. flaging the cab down and offering her ride home. (man i dun even know where she was heading!) but ya i knew i couldn't just leave her there. she was nice, asked for my facebook for some reason. (thats new)

strike 2, activated for duty on sat. thats new too. duty wasnt so bad actually HAHAHA kinda alot of things happened.

2 things that i never thought would happen, happened.. i am taking it as a sign. in less than 12 hours too.

2010-06-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

prayers answered..

its a nice day today, i thank god for not letting it rain..

siti didnt pass her TP but i am sure she would the next time.

my course starts next week..

i never thought that i would be alone now.

pray for someone to shed some light into my world again.

2010-06-11T19:26:00.000+08:00

rest time..

yet again i am having a long weekend

its great news but it seems that i have pushed my knee too far again

its going to take a few days to recover

and i am totally sun burnt

but the beach helps me think and calm down.

just giving thanks for the mercies i have recieved today

and the great friends around me

2010-06-03T20:03:00.002+08:00

Work and work till i cant work no more...

i guess this has and always will be my way of running..

cant stop, wont stop..

even till my legs cant stand..

or till my arms wont bend..

i wont stop..

even till i forget who i am

or lose myself to madness

i wont stop..

2010-05-30T21:54:00.002+08:00

I dun care i am running away.

it hurts so much..

i think about her all the time..

she will never know just how much i love her

she will never know but i prefer it this way...

i jsut want her to be happy..

just so willing to throw away my life..

like that, i wont forget and i wont move on.

2010-05-27T00:22:00.002+08:00

its been a while..

just gonna post a something i thought to god jsut now..

To god whom i hate so much..

though we are not meant to be but i pray for her happiness

if she needs strength, you can take my limbs

if she needs health, you can take my life

if she wants something, you can take it from me..

if she needs luck, i will bet all of mine

whatever happens, just keep her happy..
please..

2010-05-08T12:44:00.002+08:00

whats the point ??

whats with friends that dun trust you ??

are they still friends ??

i am starting to feel like they are not my friends anymore

when they need me, i am always there for them..

i try to make them happy

but they dun even believe that i can change for the better

what kind of friends are these..

friends with no trust or believe, i dun need them..

2010-05-06T21:01:00.003+08:00

The days of old..

gone are the days of long emails and people who reply them

gone are the days of daring men and women

gone are the days of honor, pride and glory

gone are those days..

but though form is temporary

our class shall remain forever..

2010-05-05T19:02:00.003+08:00

busy days are not good for my health...

black face, black hands..

talk about getting your hands dirty..

but i am really aching right now..

damm those heavy boxes..

sometimes i wish things will jsut slow down a little..

then maybe the rest of the world can chase up with me..

but thats my expectations now..

learn today, perfection tmr

sometimes i wish, you would understand what i am trying to say..

i cant say it directly cos then i would be a bastrad

but if i say it indirectly, you dun get it..

i just wish you were more available..

and dun always say life is so sian all the time..

smile more :)

2010-05-03T10:04:00.003+08:00

hello, i need a break, let me know !!!!

you know.. sometimes i jsut dun understand why do i need to go through so much shit.

its really just bad luck you know ??

oh well..

i think if i actually wrote down what i am feeling, i would have created a new language..

kinda confused right now but also very calm

clearing out my mind before sorting out my thoughts one by one

i dun know what to think, what to like, how to behave..

so i will do what i feel like..

big disappointment...

why ??

in the gallery, a piece of priceless art sits, taken for granted..

2010-04-28T21:33:00.002+08:00

The face behind the mask..

yes i am not willing to let you all see the sad me

its true i am not over her

i am not ready for anything i guess..

i was too used to your love that i cant survive without it

i am broken..

but hey everyone, i am a happy fool...

at least to you all

so dun worry alright ??

let me be..

i am looking for excuses...

2010-04-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

Black Eyed Peas Alive lyrics found on
http://www.directlyrics.com.com/black-eyed-peas-alive-lyrics.html

I got so much love
For you darlin' and i,
I wanna let you know how I feel

And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do,
I adore you
And its true girl

You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x

[Fergie]
You said - you said - you said
That im the only one
You said that im your number 1
Now your gone and I feel numb
Tell me where do we go wrong
You are my best friend and boyfriend
Now its seems like you're my worst friend
I gotta do soul searching
Without you im a whole different person
I aint acting like I used to
I don't feel loved like I used to
It was your love I was used to
Why do I had to lo-lo-lo-lose
Your love your love your love
Your love is what it was
That have me feeling **bust**
***you are my true love***

[will.i.am]
And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do
I adore you
And its true girl

You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x
[apl.de.ap]
Hey girl ur the only one
**must** be my number one
Now your gone I feel so numb
Tell me how do we go wrong
First friends then we became best-friend
You used to be my girlfriend
Now your my worst friend
Yeah I gotta do a lil soul searching
Without you im a whole different person

I don't even act like I used to
I don't even feel loved like I used to
I guess its your love that I used to
And I feel bad that I lose you
I get so many things that I wanna sa-sa-sa-sa...
I guess this mean that im missing you
Sorry for the things that I did to you
Im so lost without you

[will.i.am]
And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do,
I adore you
And its true girl

U make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x

[fergie / will.i.am]
La di di da la di da la da
La di da la di da
La di di da la di da la da
La di da la di da

I got so much love

La di di da la di da la da
La di da la di da

I got so much love

La di di di di di di di da la la la la

...i adore u and its true girl

You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x

[taboo]
So easy to fall in love with u
And all the things that u do
Baby girl ur so remarkable
So special, so wonderful
So special, so wonderful
So special, so wonderful

Baby girl ur so remarkable
So spesh-al-al-al-al-al-al

2010-04-24T16:34:00.004+08:00

rainy makes my smile go away..

i need something to do, i cant go out if its rainy and everyone seems to be busy so i started thinking..

since the break up, i have changed alot.

lost alot but also gained back alot.

my true friends are here for me.

the rest are as usual, there when theres a party.

the dreams i have are they going to come true ?

i am fighting very hard for them but its days like this, god tells me i need a rest..

more things are on my mind now..

next promotion is in 2 months that means more responsibilities

next meet up should be in june, got to get the people informed

hui ze is flying off for a month

mr hang is off on friday, means no testimonial

ice queen is busy with her exams, means no one to give me that slap that i need

XX is also busy with exams means no dose of funny comments

distraction 2 has declared that she wants to be single

distraction 1 most probably isnt interested too

i got my strength back but not my stamina, thiam wei and dorc said that they will train with me. hope to gain my lost confidence too

christine is still in my wallet, havent found a box to put everything in yet

my phone plan is still my old one, gotta change it soon..

matthew chan is being a super nice guy by listening to my rants

no idea what to say to rachelle..

planning for a long weekend next week

siti is almost non-existent in my life

so is pat..

wonder how connie and li juan is doing..

wondering when can i have a sunny day to play some ball

why did stephen sign on

where is andrew right now

can we pass the mosquito check next week ??

why are my weekends so empty

is mum having fun in beijing

why is it life is so much easier when i was a bastard

will my knee ever stop hurting

i need to control my finances for the next 2 weeks

i miss the clubroom

i miss hugging fai fai..

which part of my grand plan am i at now, its been so long that i forgot..

i hope max and veron stay together

i hope jana doesnt become like her boss

XX, dorc, li juan all asked me to go the BBQ next week, but i am not invited should i go ??

wondering how is john's father

wondering if joshua can handle the new load

hai~ so many thoughts till i think i still have some but cant remember.
talk about penning down your thoughts

good bye for now, see you all when i blog again

2010-04-23T18:32:00.001+08:00

Screwed up...

i think i screwed up a little..

going in way too fast, not everyone is me..

got to maintain professional..

but remember its not a game..

i just want to get to know you better

2010-04-12T22:12:00.002+08:00

You think you are a hero but you are nothing but a zero..

i know very well i still am not ok with all this..

god i just pray for her well being..

2010-04-09T21:48:00.000+08:00

finally home again..

last night was a horror..

tonight should be good..

tmr will be better...

just me and my bed for now..

nights..

dun mind me, i am sick again..

2010-04-02T12:40:00.000+08:00

i am back..

back from 1 week of stay in..

i thought about things alot the last week..

i really want you to be happy so..

i know i am doing the right thing praying for your happiness..

i really hope that he loves you more than i do..

cos you deserve it.

i am not a good bf, i know..

hai~ just.. be happy..

2010-03-23T20:50:00.001+08:00

i miss bear bear... :'(

2010-03-23T19:14:00.001+08:00

emo rainy days part 2

you have to go through the thunderstorm to see the beautiful rainbow.

i still miss her but she will become part of my strength.

a scar in my heart.

its time i guess..

doing things the right way does make you stronger and wiser..

2010-03-18T19:52:00.001+08:00

Emo rainy day..

it was nice..

standing in the rain..

2010-03-09T20:51:00.002+08:00

i dun know..

whats right...

whats wrong...

it doesnt matter anymore cos i aint doing anything

super tired these days..

heres to everything, coming down to nothing..

to cluster : we are the best.. no doubt in my mind now, we will show them.

pressing on with my burden and my wounds

i will become stronger cos they are becoming my wings..

i dreamt of her again.. so what now ??

eve wants to return me my jacket, like finally ??

2010-03-07T16:55:00.002+08:00

hello world..

i have been keeping myself busy..

trying to lose weight by putting my body under more and more stress

there has been little success though i stand at 105 now..

i have been brushing up a little on my cooking too.

coming home to cook for mum as much as i can.

i am getting better..

listening to so close by john Mclaughlin..

2010-03-02T21:05:00.003+08:00

who am i kidding..

i knew distractions wont work.

these dreams wont go away..

i still miss her and love her so much god..

this test you put before me, how am i suppose to pass it ??

whats waiting for me at the end ??

i try to improve the other parts of my life but it seems like it wont improve anything

i think, i will just go on like this..

these dreams and love are my burden to bear

but i will walk strong and walk tall..

these scars are for all to see

2010-02-28T21:38:00.002+08:00

today was kinda fun..

its my first happy post after the whole thing.

i.. got promoted recently. have to wait for next month to get the money.

i am scared, am i getting over you ??

i guess distractions do help..

i still miss you so much

and i still dream about us but i know its against the odds.

2010-02-25T22:05:00.002+08:00

hey god..

i dun know what to do..

every part of me still believes that she will come back.

i dreamt of her as my wife..

is it meant to be ??

i am trying really hard to lose weight.

i am so willing to wait..

i hope she is doing well

god, take care of her alright ??

i love you..

2010-02-25T21:55:00.002+08:00

message..

as difficult as it may be, if you find yourself in a negative non supportive environment, do your best to not allow it to affect your self-esteem, to diminish how you think of yourself. dont allow the environment to poison your principles, preparation, perseverance or your persuit of happiness

sender : teo huan song
sent : 25- feb - 2010 18:20:48

2010-02-21T13:18:00.000+08:00

hold me now..

i'm 6 feet from the edge and i'm thinking..

maybe 6 feet, is so far down..

2010-02-20T14:41:00.002+08:00

changed..

i have changed, i am no player, no ass hole, no hater..

i am not returning to that side..

she gave me something better and i guess i should continue like this.

i believe in this good she gave me.

some how.. a part of me will never move on, forever waiting for her..

no matter what my body does, my heart seems different.

i will change more of me..

i am, not shi long or any other name no more

i am just slow..

i am leaving my past yet waiting for it to come back..

hold me now, dear god..

my live in your hands..

hey world.. slow is taking a break from girls.
only friends and brothers are allowed in. tell the rest.
theres too much i have to support

2010-02-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

god this is bad..

dear god, why do you do this to good people ??

why do good people get tested so much ??

dherajy is having such a hard time. i am having such a hard time.

cant you jsut give us a break ??

god i dreamt about her again. its so tiring.. i.. have been told to move on. but i dun know why i cant, i prefer to just wait here. some say its cos i dun believe in love anymore but i dun think so. maybe its cos i believe so much that we are meant to be. only time will tell, god i want to hear her voice so much. keeping myself busy is tiring me out. my legs cant really take much more.

if we ever meet again, i will never be the same..

all i want now is a embrace..

either break my heart totally or heal it with thy hands..

i still do stupid things like pray to god for her safety and health..

i... miss her so much.

2010-02-16T00:25:00.004+08:00

god i miss her..

yes god, i miss her alot, so much that i have to keep myself busy with mahjong.
i have been winning so its ok. so far 40 dollars ??

i will be alright, i will be great. too bad, audrey is flying off, she was alot of fun that day. remember that if we are meant to be then we will be together again. i kinda understand "i love you"more now

2010-02-08T21:50:00.002+08:00

what could have been...

hey god, it would be our 1 year and 6 months today. god i really miss her today.. i jsut couldnt do anything right. my work is screwed.. audit is tmr.

but god i got to thank you for afew things..
thanks for making me so busy that i cant even think
thanks for showing me who are the ones standing by me
thanks for the deep cut on my hand.
its small but deep. just like the cut in my heart. the pain made me feel better. dorcas says that physical pain helps relieve the mental pain. cos you can actually feel it and cry out cos its there. i felt so relieved as i saw the blood flow out, the overwhelming pain helped. it made me forget about the wound in my heart. i know it sounds crazy but i like it. i wont do anything like that on purpose but i guess god is just trying to ease my pain a little. losing all that blood, it helped clear my head for a while at least. i could think, i could work faster when the pain was there.

i am turning crazy, now i know what it means to be "an addict without an addiction"
god i miss her so much
everyone says she is never coming back..
i know that but..
i.. i... i still love her with all my heart..
though she will never know..
god its in your hands..

i might post the pictures of the cut i got later i cant seem to upload it to my com

2010-02-07T01:03:00.002+08:00

the right thing to do..

i am going to build walls around me so thick that noone will know what i am really feeling. i am going to.. run away. to somewhere in my mind so far that the pain cant reach me. let the auto pilot do the work, he's better anyway..

seems like time is rewinding, friends dun stay anymore. noone is really true other than the few. i cant trust anyone, cant believe anyone, there is no way out but in..

but this time..
i.. wont let myself do things the wrong way.
i.. have never love someone so much in my entire life.
i.. wont let this light you shined on me be lost.
i.. actually cant move on.
i.. just want to hide.

2010-02-06T17:09:00.002+08:00

god.. what should i do ??

i picked the wrong friends and i am paying for it..

i should just get rid of them huh..

start all over again from scratch.

the ones that matter will come back

2010-02-05T23:50:00.002+08:00

hello..

i dun know who is reading this but i thank you

sorry.. everything is in pieces. i am trying my very best to keep it all together but sometimes i just fall down again. faking a smile, faking a life.. believing in things that i dun believe.

i hate all this.. i.. nvm.. i respect your choice..

i talked to her mum that day. her mum still wanted to be friends with me. she says i will make a good husband ( i cant even be a good boyfriend who cares about husband) kinda weird.. i.. dun know.. i just dun know anymore..

i dun know how long i am going to keep running, how long i am keep going to bluff myself that i am happy, how long i can keep this act up.. i need a break from life.

i realised, i have very few true friends.. all those who i thought were true, where are you now?? you care ?? you will always be there?? lies.. i even have one fucker saying that he will go clubbing with her. that it, none of you are real. so just get out of my life.

i am alone anyway so i might as well be.. the world stands for nothing. we will all burn in the depths of hell. very fucking CB.. just wanna scream !!

rage, anger, violence, sadness, confusion, memories, pain, numbness
in a mixture of paradoxes and lies
in my emptiness..

2010-01-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

bestie :)

I say:

enjoy yourself

I say:

life is too short

i c e queen says:

yea

I say:

believe in love more

i c e queen says:

have more flings and sex partners

i c e queen says:

earn more spend even more

I say:

oei..

I say:

i c e queen says:

throw money in people's faces

i c e queen says:

LOL

i c e queen says:

HAHAHAHAHA

i c e queen says:

just kiddddddddding

i c e queen says:

LOL

I say:

i.. promised myself

I say:

i wont do those things le

I say:

or i wiil dui bu qi the good she has put in me

i c e queen says:

yea

i c e queen says:

that's good

i c e queen says:

thats wat is suppose to be

i c e queen says:

people who go into relationships

i c e queen says:

should come out of it becoming a better person

i c e queen says:

relationships are suppose to improve a person

i c e queen says:

not worsen

I say:

she really brought out every good in me and more

I say:

i will miss her alot..

I say:

i pray that sometime down the road

I say:

she will come back into my life and stay for good

i c e queen says:

ur roads will cross agn!

i c e queen says:

HOORRAY (:

i c e queen says:

u noe

i c e queen says:

if she is too young

i c e queen says:

its good she leaves for the time being

i c e queen says:

when she matures

i c e queen says:

and becomes a better person

i c e queen says:

and come back to u

i c e queen says:

thats goodness for real

i c e queen says:

aftall s do grow up

i c e queen says:

so no worries

i c e queen says:

for guys its hopeless

I say:

ya i pray for that

i c e queen says:

they grow old but nv grow up

i c e queen says:

LOL

2010-01-29T18:59:00.003+08:00

hello world..

i deicded that if i want her to come back, i need to be worthy of her coming back. so here i am, trying to pick up the pieces from this broke vase. i need to be whole or i will never be able to support another right ?? its unfair to have someone else support me, i am too heavy.

hey not forgetting the ones who have expressed thier care and concern..

to ice queen : thanks best friend for being there.

to pat : thought you are sick and you said a few really hurtful things to me but ya i know you are just trying to help. thanks..

to dehrajy: dude, i know you wont see this but hey world, this guy is my new best friend in camp he is the coolest dude on camp man. he has cool jokes, knows all the right words and has a good in his life. thanks for beating me up to get me on my feet again

to fanni : hey thanks and lets meet up sometime, we have things that we should discuss

to dorcas : hey.. i know you are busy, i dun blame you for checking up on me once in a while. i miss having you as one of my best friends in my life. i wish we could meet up more. dor.. thanks for telling with me.

to pamela : hello !! i dun know if you will see this but hey thanks.. it cheered me up alot (your bimbo-ish messages) thanks for waking up so early to reply me. and i miss the whole brunch of you SBM people. esp nif.. please tell him to update.

to mathew, noel, dom and yong jie : thanks for speaking up for me

and alex.. thanks man, you are the best. i dun know what i can do for you, but i will do it. you cheer me up every morning and say positive words to me all the time. i love you man deep deep, (UP YOUR ASS !!! HAHAHHAA (personaljoke))

to the rest : i am sorry i didnt tell you

to her : i will let god decide if we are meant to be. i cant fight fate.. we caught lighting once maybe we can do it again.

2010-01-27T19:17:00.001+08:00

she actually wants it...

2010-01-27T14:50:00.004+08:00

god am i stupid..

i took a halfday off from work jsut to come home and cry. i am so stupid.. so broken right now. nothing is going right for me. WHY !!! WHY!!! i cant find any excuses for this pain anymore. it just hurts so bad.

i am so badly just to msg you to get well cos i see from facebook that you are sick but i cant,since you told me not to contact you. i am so fucking useless..

i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know, i dun know....

why does it need to hurt so much to love someone..
why?? when we were so happy just 2 weeks ago..

2010-01-27T13:40:00.003+08:00

halfday..

hello world, wondering why i am blogging so early ?? cos i am on halfday !! i couldnt take it anymore so i took a halfday and i am totally going crazy now.

the world seems to become black and white for me. at work i cant concentrate, at home i feel miserable. i thought about it alot and i know why god is doing this.. he wants me to feel the pain of my actions. i thought about it alot and suddenly i found that it was really familiar. its like my last relationship only that now i am eve and she is me. god.. what am i to do.. how can i show her that we are meant to be ? i hate my MP3 its playing all the songs that mean alot to me. "can i have this dance?", "meet me halfway", "1,2,3,4", "right here,right now"..

god it hurts so much..
feels like a hole is opening up where my heart used to be..
my heart has always been with you..
if that isnt enough
god give her my life
cos my life isnt worth anything without her.

what will i do if she left me ? its too scary to think about. that nightmare last night is too horrible.

2010-01-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

begging..

hello world is anyone reading ?? i dun know and i dun care.. nothing matters anymore.. whats going to happen to me ? i dun know..

spent my day at work thinking about you, faking a smile i know i dun have. everytime i close my eyes i see you, every dream is about you, every nightmare is about losing you. i am scared.. never loved someone so much in my whole life and never been so scared of losing someone.

god, i know i have done alot of bad things. i know the good i try to do isnt enough but please god.. bring her back. i dun care if i have to exchange something for it, anything.. take it, my legs my arms.. please just bring her back. even if i have to burn in hell, let me live my life with her.

2010-01-26T21:13:00.001+08:00

Black eye peas - meet me halfway

I can't go any further than this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

Cool,
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you
Every single day, yes I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to, use to, use to, use to do
Hey girl, what's up, it use to used to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you
Every single day, yes I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to, use to, use to, use to do
Hey girl what's up yo... what's up, what's up, what's up

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you wanna meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want I, I... I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
Wanna have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway, way
(I'll meet you halfway

Can you meet me half way)
Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and I, for you and I, for for for you and I,
For for for you and I, for for you and I, for you and I

Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way

Meet me half way, right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Lyrics | Black Eyed Peas lyrics - Meet Me Halfway lyrics

2010-01-25T22:24:00.002+08:00

hello.. its 2012 in my world.

its crumbling.. everything is..

nothing is going right and i am totally lost. what am i suppose to do ?? i dun know.. i never loved someone so much before. i am scared... scared of doing the wrong thing, scared of losing you, scared of not being able to embrace you.

why has all this got to happen ? i just want to hug you to sleep right now..

so so so lost.. caught between selfishness and selflessness. torn apart. but i got to endure this cos i believe the sun will rise again.

2009-11-22T21:02:00.002+08:00

The Good Fight..

sometimes we fight so hard for the things we want, many hard battles..
long days and nights are a common occurrence
sometimes we lose sight of what we are really fighting for
we fight till the war become meaningless..
it becomes meaningless and a waste of life

we forget, we forget that we fight so that we can enjoy the fruits of our labor
we forget, that when we get what we want, we should rejoice, instead of wanting more
we forget, that when we reach out for someone more, we lose something we already hold
we forget, the friends that sit with us by the campfire
we forget.. that the good fight has an end

how much is enough ??
how much is good ??
what will make you happy ??

think about it..

2009-11-17T23:11:00.002+08:00

Rest now young one..

batted , tired, torn and hurt..

nothing is left..

dillusional, crazy or just disfunctional..

to a point where strength cannot be controlled..

tired, wore out or nelgected

to a point where nothing has meaning or satisfaction..

emo ??

maybe...

jsut dun like the feeling..

i rather be in the embrace of your arms than just holding your hands.

things feel like they have really changed...

i feel like i have become nothing once more.

i pray that things will become better for me, for once..

2009-11-16T23:15:00.003+08:00

GOOD ADVICE..

i c e queen says:
we acknowledge each other's flaws
and we tell each other areas we think each other shud improve on
and we try to improve
it takes time la seriously
and because of our flaws sometimes we bang like bulls
we noe each other's flaws and weaknesses
so we try to close an eye to it
SLOW didnt make it.. says:
thats nice
i wish christine will listen to me
i c e queen says:
haha shall see la
SLOW didnt make it.. says:
i c e queen says:
i duno leh but i think sometimes its better to be rational
aftall my heart was once broken
i noe better than to be irrational and act like a spoilt brat
cos i will only end up regretting
SLOW didnt make it.. says:
ya..
i c e queen says:
so when the other party talks and hopes u change
that means theres still hope
its hopeless when the other party doesnt bother telling u and doesnt bother expecting u to change
SLOW didnt make it.. says:
true true
hai~
i c e queen says:
tell her this lor
see if she listens and tries to uds fr ur pov
SLOW didnt make it.. says:
HAHAHAH lets hope she does..

2009-11-13T18:54:00.002+08:00

Walking in the rain..

things are not good, iam sad. standing strong seems so meaningless.

how long must i wait every time ?

how long before you start to realize you are treating me the same way again ??

how many times must i be sacrificed ??

i dun know..

the pieces shatter on the floor like raindrops..

the rain hides everything, it washes my frown and tells me that it is with me.

2009-11-11T18:53:00.000+08:00

I DID IT !!

i ran 3 km !! :) honey i did it !!!

2009-09-14T11:45:00.001+08:00

ESTJ

The Enforcer

Extroverted Sensing Thinking Judging

Practical, traditional, and organized. Likely to be athletic. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities. "Good citizens" who value security and peaceful living.

LIFE

As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.

The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.

When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.

ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.

The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.

Relationship

ESTJs are very enthusiastic people who are driven to fulfill their obligations and duties, especially those towards their families. Their priorities generally put God first, family second, and friends third. They put forth a tremendous amount of effort to meet their obligations and duties, according to their priorities. They are dedicated and committed to their relationships, which they consider to be lifelong and unalterable. They like to be in charge, and may be very controlling of their mates and children. They have high esteem for traditions and institutions, and expect that their mates and children will support these as well. They have little patience and need for dealing with people who see things very differently from the ESTJ.

ESTJ Strengths

● Generally enthusiastic, upbeat and friendly

● Stable and dependable, they can be counted on to promote security for their families

● Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations

● Responsible about taking care of day-to-day practical concerns around the house

● Usually good (albeit conservative) with money

● Not personally threatened by conflict or criticism

● Interested in resolving conflict, rather than ignoring it

● Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

● Able to move on after a relationship breaks up

● Able to administer discipline when necessary

ESTJ Weaknesses

● Tendency to believe that they are always right

● Tendency to need to always be in charge

● Impatient with inefficiency and sloppiness

● Not naturally in tune with what others are feeling

● Not naturally good at expressing their feelings and emotions

● May inadvertently hurt others with insensitive language

● Tendency to be materialistic and status-conscious

● Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories

ESTJs as Lovers

When an ESTJ says "I do", you can bet that they will put forth a tremendous amount of effort and energy into fulfilling their commitment to the relationship. They seek stability and security in their lives, and once they have made a commitment, it is lifelong and unalterable. They bring with them into the relationship a strong and dependable nature, which is oriented in traditions and security. They are highly energetic people, who never seem to lose their energy when performing duties and fulfilling obligations.

ESTJs usually feel very strongly that they are right and that if everyone else would listen carefully to what the ESTJ has to say, then they would understand the way things really are, and the world would be a better place. Such a strong, confident self-image is an asset in many ways, but can also be a detriment in close interpersonal relationships, if the ESTJ's mate does not feel valued for their contributions as an individual. This is a potential pitfall for ESTJs, who should try to be aware of the fact that other people have things to offer, even if they do not exactly follow the ESTJ's way of thinking. If it's not possible to do this on a larger scale, the ESTJ should perhaps focus on this area with respect to their partner's contributions.

Sexually, the ESTJ is likely to be robust, enthusiastic, and athletic. They will tend to be traditional, and to expect sexual encounters on a relatively scheduled basis. They're likely to approach intimacy as a physical experience of closeness, rather than as an opportunity to express and receive expressions of love and affection. The ESTJ will probably have to work on remembering to express their feelings verbally, but their mate's appreciation will make it well worth it for those who do.

In many ways, ESTJs are Guardians and Protectors by nature. They enjoy shielding and protecting their families, and are usually quite good at it. Their partners will appreciate and enjoy the benefits of the ESTJ's efforts in this respect, but they may also resent the more controlling aspects of the ESTJ's personality, which goes along with their strong desire to shield their loved-ones. The ESTJ may consider it their duty to instruct their spouses how to behave or what attitude to take in certain situations, which may not be appreciated.

Conversely, the ESTJ freely gives approval and affirmation when they are happy or impressed with their mate's behavior. Whether positive or negative, the ESTJ's expression can be taken at face value, because these individuals are very honest and forthright about how the feel.

ESTJs enjoy spending time with others socializing, and are likely to strongly desire that their partners also take part in these social activities. They are especially interested in any event which is associated with the family, work, or any organization which the ESTJ is part of. Since they are social creatures, they're likely to bring an emphasis on socializing to the relationship - but only after all of their work is done.

ESTJs are not naturally in tune with what others are feeling, and they may even tend to be very unobservant in these respects. This can cause problems with mates who have a Feeling preference, who may feel hurt or neglected by the ESTJ. If these feelings are pointed out to the ESTJ as an important dynamic of the relationship, rather than harbored internally by the Feeler, the ESTJ is likely to attempt to be more aware of their mate's feelings and emotions.

The ESTJ gladly performs their duties in life, and wants to be appreciated for doing so. This is the greatest gift that their mates can give them - gratitude.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESTJ's natural partner is the ISTP, or the INTP. ESTJ's dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Thinking. The ESTJ/ISTP combination is ideal because it also shared the Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESTJ/INTP combination is also quite good.

ESTJs as Parents

ESTJs take their parenting responsibilities seriously, and enjoy the roles and duties which they are consequently presented with. The ESTJ sees parenthood as a natural state, and welcomes the opportunity to fulfill their basic obligation to pass on their genes, and to raise children to be responsible, independent adults.

ESTJs usually expect that parents should be parents, and children should be children. There is likely to be that parent-child barrier between the ESTJ and their kids, and they are likely to expect that their children will treat them with respect and honor. They will have no patience for extreme deviation from this basic rule.

ESTJs also do not have much tolerance for inefficiency or messiness. They dislike seeing mistakes repeated. Consequently, ESTJ parents may have a difficult time with their children who have Intuitive or Perceiving preferences. They are extremely practical, and have no understanding or value for the creative imaginations of highly intuitive children. They will also have little patience with the unstructured, "go with the flow" attitude of their Perceiving children. This impatience with other types is a potential downfall for the ESTJ which may manifest itself in an ugly way if the rift occurs with their own children. The ESTJ should remember that what is right for them is not necessarily right for their children.

Whatever difficulties an ESTJ may experience with their child, they will always accept that child back as their own. They are strongly driven to fulfill their duties, and see parenting as one of these "must do" obligations.

Children of the ESTJ will usually remember them as dependable, reliable, strict, traditional, and always willing to sacrifice for the sake of their children.

ESTJs as Friends

Although ESTJs typically put their family above their friends, they do enjoy and value their friendships. They enjoy having fun and spending time with others, especially those who share their interests and pursuits. They are likely to choose to spend free time with friends pursuing some activity or hobby - probably athletic or sports-oriented. They're likely to socialize quite a bit with their own family members, and with people who belong to the same organization or institution as the ESTJ.

ESTJs are usually status-conscious, and will respect others who they feel have achieved a high degree of success in our society. Although ESTJs have very high standards for behavior, and believe that they know what is appropriate and best in any given situation, they're likely to be less controlling with those who they feel are powerful individuals.

ESTJs will have little patience with people who seem frivolous or extremely untraditional. Conversely, those who live entirely in the current moment (Sensing Perceivers) may not appreciate the ESTJ's strong judgments, which may seem overly traditional to them. ESTJs are likely to bond best with other ESTJ, or with people of any type, if they share a common interest or goal.

ESTJs tend to be enthusiastic, sharp, and witty. They like to hear good jokes, and enjoy telling them as well. They're valued by their friends for being dependable and upbeat, and easily engaged in various pursuits.

The ESTJ is generally very opinionated, and likes to appear authoritative and in charge. They may temper this tendency when around other ESTJs whom they value. Around other types, this tendency may cause them to be abrupt and direct, to the point where they inadvertently step on people's toes.

2009-08-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

I AM DEPRESSED

ok maybe its not that long kinda shitty the last 2 days..

in the precious hour i have to contact you, you cant be contacted and when i book out and i want to see you, you arent available. sadness indeed

i understand... 2 words used too much

2009-06-15T23:04:00.003+08:00

i hate it !!

i just want to be happy. and i get this..

i show a trick that i wana learn standing still, some guy opens a door and almost walks into me, its my fault..

i cross a street, you call me, i stop and turn around, some car horns me, its my fault..

everything is my fault. everything you also have to have a black face and say things to scold me. i try to cheer myself up to make my day happy again but you just have to make it miserable for me. i cant take this anymore. i want happiness !!! not this shit..

maybe what you say is right, i really should just give up on this, make myself happy, i think i deserve it.

2009-06-08T17:59:00.002+08:00

Miley Cyrus - The Climb lyrics

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

2009-06-07T14:17:00.002+08:00

Things i have to do though i dun want to do..

first things
i have been aware of what people have been saying for quite a while even before OGL camp. as usual, my intel network is still damm good :) thanks for the info. but ya.. back to the thing.. i guess some people see my presense as a threat more than a senior. some people say that i make them feel small and useless. while, i have been thinking about it for a very very long time and i guess it isnt the words i use or the actions i take but rather, its the people who said it. people who think that they are good enough will see better people and think of them as a threat cos they are not growing anymore. they do not try to conquer their fears and see it as a target to beat. they dun try.. they rather hide in their small group and have small talks about other people. and by doing so they cause themselves to rift apart from the rest whom they feel is "under my protection". if you cant handle being told you are wrong and you dun want to try to grow or dun have the balls to try to take me down then i look down on you.

a quote i once read "you will miss 100% of the shots,you dun take."

i know i am causing a rift just by being back, i know that some people just cant handle the way i do things, they cant think as fast, they cant handle me pushing them, they dun want to live up to any expectations, they just want to be them, not any better. i look down on these people.

to the rest who are not like that: "theres always going to be another mountain, i am always going to try to make it move.

second thing
i am extremely disappointted in some people. just because i am gone. they start falling apart. they dont try to stand up to all the things on their own or with their team. everything i have said has been thrown into the drain. sometimes i feel that, people who have no confidence and jsut lay down and die, should really lay down and die. this is a fight, like it or not this is the best way for you to improve. to keep pushing yourself to the limits, to keep working till you fall and then get back up again. that is the way to improve. to get scolded and scolded and learn where you go wrong. that is the things you should be doing. and not thinking huh.. but if i do this.. i do that.. thinking is for people with good brains.

next thing
some people say i am selecting excos, what a joke.. one of the people with the least right to make any sort of decision in this club, gets to choose excos. a serious joke..

lastly..
i always view my self as the lousiest of my team. i am loud, needs controlling, do too much, play too much, think too much and all i think i am good for is DOING things. so i challenage everyone of you, to try to climb up to where we are.. if you cant even be better than me, you dun deserve my respect.

The bravest warrior is not the one who slays the dragon but the one who keeps trying..
Its not about how many times you get knocked down, its how many times you get up.

its not like i want to leave this club but its more like i have to. but i guess i will be back some day..

2009-04-21T12:52:00.002+08:00

:) baby is back..

i am happy that orientation is over but seems like things are not going so well just yet. got my enlistment letter already. going in on the 24 of july and baby has been rather upset about it.

its ok... 3 months.. lets enjoy this 3 months to or fullest ok ??

stupid me mistook my FTT to be today when its next week. :( took a cab from bedok to YCK. nvm.. study harder !!

2009-04-15T00:53:00.001+08:00

i just dun know..

i am very sad now.. i feel so alone. its like i have a gf who isnt my gf.

does the people you defend care?? do they know what we have to suffer because of them ?

i just dun know.. i feel so freaking distant though we are so close. you dun talk to me, you dun even look my way. i might as well not be your bf. i try and try to be there for you. to get your attention but you just brush me off time and again like a tissue that you need only when you want to use it.

maybe thats what i am. i just dun know anymore..

2009-04-14T21:39:00.002+08:00

SAD..

DD is very very busy with Orientation but whats bugging me is that why doesnt her committee help her ?? why is she doing all the work ?? why dun they ask,i dun want to think that they are the worms they set themselves to be. dd is very busy, and like the other nights, the time we spend together is she doing her work. oh well, what can i do ?? DD come back to me quick ok ??

i dun want to butt in but it seems like the people dun listen. they think its other people's fault. not theirs butover the last week. EVERYONE OF THEM HAS SLACKED OFF.i got to say even dd. so guys.. if you got read this, buck up.. dun be a disappointment to the great name.

2009-03-26T21:27:00.002+08:00

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes When I couldn't see
When I couldn't fly Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes When I couldn't see
For parting my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

Baby i love you so much..

2009-03-16T17:32:00.001+08:00

i am going to read my book..

2009-03-16T16:38:00.002+08:00

301 post..

i miss huan song. goign to see him later :) happy me.

hey dearest.. sorry about yesterday, i really didnt hear you say that you were joking. sorry.. i really love talking to you but sometimes i dun know when you are joking. i am really sorry about what happened last night.

i know, i should be a man more :) i meant what i said, i will keep us together :)

2009-03-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

GOOD JOB BOY..

want to know how to see if your photographer is working hard ??

if he gets 1198 mails from facebook abuot the pics he has taken

2009-03-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

A storm in a teacup ??

i am worried.. about small things. i miss you and i dun like to be alone. i know we havent been keep promises but i dun care, as long as you are happy. so go do what you want ok ?? i will be here waiting :)

2009-03-04T19:44:00.002+08:00

Work OUT !!!

talk about an ASS workout. my physio says my ASS muscles are being lazy (lazy bum) thats why i have been put on a ASS workout. hopefully it helps my leg and i can lose weight in the process. my ass is like super tired today. havent even been sitting. :)

on another note.. i left my phone at darling's house so i cant be reached till tmr sorry people :)

2009-02-26T14:43:00.001+08:00

EXPERIMENTING !!!

MUHAHAHAHH I WANABE A MYTH BUSTER SO...

I AM EATING HALF A WATERMELON FOR BREAKFAST AND SEE IF I WILL LAO SAI !!! :)\

TELL YOU ALL THE RESULTS SOON !!

2009-02-26T02:02:00.002+08:00

I AM FREE !!!

byebye nyp :)

okok.. lets see !!!

SO MANY THINGS SO MUCH TIME !!! OMG !!! THIS ROCKS !!!!

MY TO-DO LIST

Prawning
Cycling (ubin)
Movie Marathon
Bowling !!
Pool
PAINTBALL !!! ANYONE INTERESTED ??
Chalet/Party/BBQ
Mahjong
Pubbing :)
SPEND MORE TIME WITH DD :)

2009-02-24T21:58:00.003+08:00

SAY CHEESE !!!

2009-02-21T23:49:00.001+08:00

GOVERMENT ALOT OF MONEY !!

2009-02-19T16:44:00.003+08:00

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Here is the analysis for the REAL ME:

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

Here is the analysis for love style:

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Here is the analysis for my personality:

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

What does being a friend really mean to you?

You value your friendships: 55%

You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

2009-02-12T03:07:00.002+08:00

DIY VALENTINES !!

hello everyone.. hows your valentine's preparation coming along ??

guess what ??

after bristles, burnt fingers, knee ache, back staining work, pin-point crafting and 8 hours of sweat, blood and hardwork..

I AM DONE !!

i hope you like it

pics next time :)
off to bed

2009-02-07T21:12:00.002+08:00

Theres only 1 Thing 2 Say, Those 3 words 4 YOU..

dd, i love you :)

2009-01-28T12:19:00.002+08:00

Tonight..

make me numb..

make me forget..

the images of the past and those scars..

i believe in her and this time i know its different.

i have peace in my heart and willingness to let her go.

cos i trust her.

2009-01-22T23:16:00.002+08:00

DARLING GOT INTO SBM CLUB !!! WOOO HOOOO :)

2009-01-22T00:27:00.002+08:00

like a child..

remember when you were like a child ? life was simple, the world was your playground and love was pure. you trusted people, you enjoy the simple things in life, you were happy. but as you grew up, you were hurt, betrayed and heart broken. you lost faith in the simple thinking.

love can transform a man into a child. love can make him believe, make him trust make him enjoy simple things. there is no way to happiness but the way of happiness :) today was a great day you gave me. so special through simple ways :) i love you so very much.

let us wish for the next few years to pass
then we can really be together :)

2009-01-20T12:35:00.002+08:00

Working Hard !!!

lots and lots of things to do :(

ever have the feeling that things arent like before ?? well, even we have hit at stage. :) but my dearest PSP, i am sure we can work things out till its like when we first started and i am sure we can take it to the next level :) lets work hard together ok ??

2 more year and you'll be done with school and i'll be making history like i do..
you know its all because of you, we can do whatever we want to..

2009-01-13T12:43:00.002+08:00

WAKE UP !!!

hey you people... the future is rest in your hands now. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SCREWING UP SO BAD ?? you all currently have a 66% screw up record since you guys stepped up. the 4 are fucking useless as usual but come on that never stopped you guys before. if people are useless then get help from people who can help you la !!! OMG.. COME ON.. DUN RUIN WHAT WE BUILD UP !!

2009-01-07T20:01:00.000+08:00

Understanding builds impossible bridges

i find it hard to do PR for people i cant even bring myself to like anymore.

ever have the feeling of home when you are not at home ??

well i do, in fact, when i am at home, i dun feel at home.

my family is a rather assholic family. thing i hate most is getting blamed for everything. monkeys and dogs at home cant keep their mouth shut. you are freaking disturbing the peace you know ?? argh... they just so tick me off. they just wont give me a break. i clean up for their shit and i kena shit from them. is this how a family should be ? not in my view, a supportive enviroment is essitential to a person's growth. my family are just like wolves howling away. i wish i can just /thoat.

The home is where the heart is..

2009-01-01T22:11:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year !!

its a new year !!! lets look back..

2008.. its a been not bad. the last parts sure are great :)

2009.. many things i want to do, many new things happening hai~

dd, i will continue to try make you the happiest girl :)